1 October 2011
You know you have a toddler when...
You search for hours to finally discover your car keys hidden in a ride-along car
You have an audience whilst going to the toilet ...
... and the audience starts poking your bits and laughing
You discover what its like to poo with someone sat on your lap
You find your jumper, straight out of the clean washing pile, has a glamorous smear of snot down it
Hoovering takes super-human strength because there is a small person riding on it
You start reading stories in a 'Borat' accent because if you have to listen to yourself read 'The noisy ninky-nonk' one more time you will have a mental breakdown!
You give up saying 'NO!' and let them eat the cat food
The Asda delivery guy gets to see your knickers, very proudly displayed on the head of the grinning child next to you
You eat a half chewed piece of toast because they wanted to 'share'
You are enjoying a relaxing bubble bath with a glass of wine, a giant rubber duck and a singing turtle
You have gone the whole day with make-up on only one eye because you were distracted mid-beautifying by a small person removing their nappy and peeing on the floor
You have a heart attack walking to the toilet in the middle of the night because you have stood on a laughing toy
Instead of pulling a pen out of your handbag, out comes a Smurf
Your toothbrush is being used as a floor cleaner
You hear 'Uh-oh' and wonder what has just been dropped down the toilet
In the car you realise you are singing 'Twinkle Twinkle' in your best opera voice, stopped at a busy pedestrian crossing, with the windows wide open
You smile and shrug at the Tesco's checkout assistant who notices you have cake in your hair and a mini cheddar in your cleavage
You get the most amazing kisses and don't care if your face gets covered in crumbs
You laugh every day and you realise that life is so much more fun in a toddler's world
You know you have a toddler when ... Part Two